


oh, hell.

by 875857



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pining, arthur fails at feelings, lots of pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-17
Updated: 2012-05-17
Packaged: 2017-11-05 12:56:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/875857/pseuds/875857
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur isn't blind. He knows Merlin has a Big Secret. (But in reality, it's not what Arthur thinks. Well, maybe it's that too. Who knows.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	oh, hell.

Arthur isn’t blind.

 

Far from it, really. Contrary to Merlin’s opinion that he’s too busy with his own head up his ass to notice anything, or pretend he hasn’t turned a blind eye to more than one of these transgressions on _purpose_. What would the point be in confronting Merlin about them? Arthur isn’t sure he wants to have that conversation with Merlin.

 

That’s not _entirely_ true - because a part of him does want it. Not to have Arthur to talk to Merlin about it - but to have Merlin come to him, of his own free will. It’s an interesting fantasy, one that Arthur thinks about more often than he likes to admit. But even he knows it simply can’t be done.

 

It just _can’t_.

 

It would complicate things far too much - and recently, their relationship has been a bit more distanced as of late. Arthur supposes it’s one of the side effects of this big fat _secret_ Merlin’s got hiding, and Arthur unintentionally has his own secret by not telling Merlin that he knows.

 

So yes, Arthur isn’t blind.

 

He sees everything with a sharp, keen eye - and he _sees_ Merlin. He knows. He has known, for at least two years or so. He knows. He _knows_.

 

And what does he know?

 

That Merlin is completely, irrevocably, alarmingly, stupidly in love with him.

 

Arthur Pendragon, the King of Camelot.

 

Obvious enough to anyone with eyes, right?

 

*

 

It’s selfish of him, to revel in the feeling of having Merlin love him. It shouldn’t be any different than having the rest of his people love him. But Merlin is different in a way. Merlin is _special_ \- like he said before, there’s something about him. And to this day, Arthur isn’t sure if it’s the way he’s unfailingly loyal, or his subtle wisdom, or the way his hair curls at the nape of his neck. It’s most likely one of the first two, actually - Arthur doesn’t know where the third one came from.

 

But yes - Arthur knows he’s selfish. Merlin would die for him - Arthur knows this without a doubt. And though he would never ask it of Merlin, it is still a touching, cherished fact that he likes to hold close.

 

Even if it seems everyone else seems to betray him - Merlin will always be _Merlin_. And for that, Arthur is grateful he exists.

 

*

 

He courts Gwen, though. With Merlin’s help. Because it’s really the only way that Arthur can let Merlin know that they can’t be together without revealing that he knows Merlin’s in love with him. It would be in bad taste - and then Merlin would most likely be embarrassed and hurt.

 

And Arthur doesn’t really want to hurt Merlin. They are _friends_ , after all.

 

Merlin helps Arthur through the hardships that come with relationships and women - he even crows playfully about them being quite adorable after Arthur comes back with kiss swollen lips and a skip in his step. But Arthur knows that Merlin is secretly jealous.

 

He’s heard from Gwen about how her friendship with Merlin is no longer as close as it used to be - and though he’s a little upset to hear that, it still gives him a small, perverse burst of pleasure to know that Merlin’s love for him runs deep enough to strain a good friendship.

 

Perverse because he knows it is wrong, so _very_ wrong - but he can’t help but think it a sinful pleasure all the same.

 

Arthur has heard nothing of Merlin engaging in any sexual or romantic relations - all enquiries done secretly and information shared by the most tight-lipped people in the kingdom. (And if it seems strange to any of them, no one ever comments on it.)

 

Merlin also spends all of his time with Arthur - and if not with Arthur, then with Gaius. Arthur doesn’t think Gaius is competition, though. Although, there are the times when Merlin isn’t with Arthur or Gaius - “ _at the tavern_ ” is a stupid excuse that he hasn’t believed in years but still humors - but he reasons that Merlin probably needs a bit of time to himself.

 

It must be hard spending most of his time around the object of his desires (unattainable and incredibly handsome), and the rest of it with an old man (who is sometimes terrifying and that eyebrow, that _eyebrow_ ).

 

It gives Arthur more pleasure - which should be wrong, but feels _delicious_ \- to know that Merlin is, without a doubt, _his_.

 

*

 

He marries Gwen, though.

 

Arthur doesn’t hide the proposal from Merlin on _purpose_ \- there’s just so much going on, so much to talk about and they’re already quite busy - and he never gets around to mentioning the words “ _will you marry me_?” heavy on his tongue, for someone other than Merlin.

 

Not that he’d ever marry _Merlin_. The very thought is _ridiculous_.

 

He would probably look ridiculous in a dress, and probably even more ridiculous as queen. (Although he’s sure the dark blue color of one of Morgana’s old dresses would make him look - …. like Merlin in a dress. What else?)

 

But the night after he proposes to Gwen, he heads back to his chambers drunk with the lingering feel of Gwen’s lips on his - and he finds Merlin stoking the fire with his back to Arthur. He strides past Merlin, flopping over onto the bed with a smile on his face.

 

“She said yes, then?” comes Merlin’s voice from the fireplace.

 

Arthur crosses his arms behind his head and snorts, “Of _course_ she said yes, Merlin.”

 

“Oh.”

 

The silence from Merlin is unsettling - and he knows he should leave it be, shouldn’t expect anything else from someone that loves him. But it still makes Arthur _mad_ \- because Merlin loves him, and should be happy that Camelot is getting a queen. Should be happy that he’s marrying, that he’s found someone willing to dedicate themselves to him. Should be happy for _him_.

 

Because Merlin should know _they_ can’t ever be together. He should know that Merlin can’t be the one Arthur replies to. He should just - he should just not - well he shouldn’t do _this_.

 

“ _Oh_?” he mimicks, sitting upright and resists the urge to chuck a pillow at Merlin, “is that all you’ve got to say about it? I’d have expected a congratulations. Or more likely a ‘ _really? why would she go and say that_?’ from you.”

 

He shouldn’t make Arthur feel like he’s done something wrong when it’s what he _had_ to do. What he _wanted_ to do. Arthur watches the curve of Merlin’s back, watches his shoulders shift as Merlin (most likely) wracks his mind for a reply (one that probably doesn’t give off his big secret) while tending to the fire.

 

So Arthur continues with a laugh, not realizing that this method he’s using to try and make Merlin know that they cannot be - his words, the way he tugs at Merlin’s feelings.

 

“I know you were eyeing the position of queen, Merlin, but just like us sharing a bed, you know must I’d rather die before marry you.”

 

It is not kindness, it is cruelty.

 

*

 

He makes the mistake of catching Merlin’s expression - smile forced, shoulders slouched - at the feast after the wedding ceremony.

 

An unknown feeling curls in his belly, and it takes another goblet of wine and several chaste kisses from Gwen to forget about it.

 

*

 

One night, one insignificant, small skirmish in the woods - Merlin takes a crossbow to the shoulder that’s meant for Arthur. And while one of the knights does a makeshift battlefield patch up, a dizzy Merlin feebly grabs for Arthur’s hand - when Arthur finds himself giving Merlin his hand without hesitation, he realises with a start;

 

He might love Merlin back.

 

_Shit_.

 

*

 

This is when things start to get difficult.

 

The small, insignificant skirmish turns out to be a part of a growing band of raiders that have passed over from a neighboring kingdom - and Arthur, as is his job as king, takes it upon himself to deal with them.

 

Arthur doesn’t expect the shove - for crying out loud, they’re fighting with _swords_. But it happens in a flash - the raider glances behind Arthur’s shoulder, drops his sword and pushes forward. Arthur falls back, expecting to hit the ground all the while coming up with some kind of insult for the raider -

 

But there’s no ground. _Shit_. Stupid mistake - the raider managed to get him on the downward slope of the hill - stupid, stupid mistake. Instead, Arthur loses his footing completely and finds himself tumbling down the hill, occasionally smacking into a tree or feeling a root roughly bump against him for a quick moment. He tucks in his head, knowing that a wrong movement could get him broken ribs, a concussion, or even a snapped neck.

 

Maybe he’s imagining it - yes, he probably is, but he thinks he sees the same raider suddenly fly down the hill as well. Probably pushed. Pushing and shoving should be included in the knights training regime, he decides as he tumbles.

 

When he gets to a stop, he takes a few moments to orientate himself again when there are hands on him, checking him over. He nearly lashes out at the person, only to realize it’s just Merlin.

 

“Arthur, _Arthur_ \- are you alright? Where does it hurt? Did you hit your head?” Merlin’s prattling on, the words rattling around Arthur’s mind, and Arthur would find it almost endearing if it weren’t so damn annoying. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He opens his eyes again and - stops. He stops, because Merlin is staring at him with scared, concerned blue eyes and is worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

 

Since when did Merlin do _that_? He glances down at the spit slicked lip. It must be a new habit. His voice catches in his throat, and he’s thankful that no other knights seem to be around as he tries to wave Merlin away. Getting to his feet, he uses the tree for support as he tests out his limbs.

 

“Merlin, stop coddling me. I’m _fine_.”

 

He expects a ‘ _prat, you always say that. what if you pass out on your horse on the way back and we have to carry you?_ ’ but Merlin displays his ability to surprise Arthur even now, as well as his complete lack of respect for authority by grabbing Arthur’s sleeve, the space between them made of a few inches and too close for comfort as he looks the other in the eye.

 

“I was _worried_. I thought I saw you hit your head - I, are you sure you’re okay?” Merlin says, voice quieter than before.

 

He doesn’t reply, only stares into Merlin’s eyes before glancing down at Merlin’s lips. Merlin’s cheeks flare red - but Arthur is busy thinking about _needing to get back to the battle_ , and _admiring how soft Merlin’s lips look_. He feels the world swim around him, perhaps he did hit his head.

 

_Difficult_ , Arthur mumbles to himself, eyes slipping shut as he leans forward and closes the distance.

**Author's Note:**

> **LOOKING FOR A BETA. HEY GUYS. IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED, GO AHEAD AND EMAIL ME AT 875857@gmail.com**
> 
>  
> 
> also arthur actually just kind of passes out at the end and mushes his nose against merlin's cheek sorry guys


End file.
